Dog Shits ON THE RUG

Dog took a shit on the rug. SHE SHIT ON THE RUG. It should be physically impossible, as in defying the laws of physics, for poop so big to come out of a dog so small. She nearly poops her own mass. Physically impossible. Yesterday, she pooped a sphere. Yes, a spherical shaped ball of poo. But back to the matter at hand, sometime during the night, Dog poo'ed on my favorite rug.

Me:  "Why the fuck did you poo on the rug, dog?"
Dog:  "Because the rug was more grass-like than the hardwood floors?"
Me:  "I hate you so much sometimes."

Fetch, Dog

Me:  "Hey Dog."
Dog:  "What's up, asshole?"

Me:  "Bring me your ball and let's play fetch."
Dog:  "Fuck off, I'm tired."

 Me:  "Tired? From your grueling schedule of eating, pooping, sleeping, and licking your own doggy vagina? You're a fucking dog. Play some fetch."
Dog:  "Yeah.... No. No fetch today. I'm subbing in rug pooping for fetch today."

Me:  "Don't poo on the rug."
Dog:  "What? My day won't be complete unless I do."

Me:  "I hate you so much sometimes, Dog."

Dog:  "Likewise, bitches."

TSA-Approved Pet Travel Luggage

Dog is fucking hilarious. 

This is what I returned home to after being away for a good portion of the afternoon:

No, I didn't leave the top unsecured.

Yes, that is Dog managing to get her head stuck trying to escape her TSA-approved pet travel luggage.

No, Dog wasn't panicking whatsoever.

Yes, Dog had succeeded once before escaping her TSA-approved pet travel luggage in the same fashion.

Dog:  "Nothing to see here, folks, move along..."

Me:  "You're fucking hilarious, Dog."

Dog:  "You're such a dick. I hate you so much."

Me:  "Would you like a hand there?"

Dog:  "No, no, I'm cool. It's like a sunroof. I'm awesome."