Decoy Poo

This is the face of smug satisfaction:

So, this morning, while getting ready, Dog made a little special treat in the form of poo shenanigans.

But it gets better - She poo'ed a decoy poo first, and when I went to go clean it up, she somehow ninja-creeped to where I was standing when the decoy poo was spotted, and then shit out a massive poo bomb.

Then she fled to her crate.

I hate her so much sometimes. SO much.

Figure 1:  Schematic drawing of Dog's morning poo shenanigans

Fun with Photos

So recently, a friend wanted to show off the holiday lights he has on display on his house.

(Actual photo he displayed to everyone.)

So, being the natural jerk that I am, I attached this photo (all in good jest, of course):

(I'm a little jealous I didn't think of it first.)

Rooster on the Lam

There is a rooster. On the lam. In a tree.

No shit, this motherfucker has been waking us all up with his cock-a-doodle-doo'ing.

And one of the neighbors took a photo of him.

A motherfucking rooster.

OCD Dog

For fuck's sake, Dog has OCD. Literally.

She has the overwhelming misplaced sense of obsessive and compulsive urgency in burying things using her snout.

So much so, she rubs part of her nose off. Literally.

 Dog with her self-inflicted OCD-driven wound:

The things she "buried" with repetitive nose-pushing motions which caused her OCD wound :

Dog:  "OCD, bitches. It's a DISEASE."

Me:  "Fucking hell, Dog..."

Another Great Parking Job

Can't remember if I have already posted this one, as the abundance of asshole park jobs overflows like a Thanksgiving cornucopia. 

Or as abundant as the smallpox spread upon blankets that were generously distributed to the Indians (feather, not dot).

Happy Thanksgiving!

Sushi Dog

Start with the roe...

Fuck it, just balance the whole damn thing, Dog.

Moustachio-Bombing Dog

Waaaaaaiiit for it.............

.....

Bam!

More Moustachio Dog

All Dog is missing is a pair of the paedophile glasses to complete the Paedo-Dog look.

Or maybe this is more of a 70's porn 'stache look...?

There's "American" and Then There's "English"

Today, I was discussing the (American) election bullshit with my very English friend with a degree in geography.

After briefly explaining the electoral college and how Ohio played a key role in this election due to it's status as a swing state, my very English friend inquires,

"Ohio? Is that the one with Chicago in it?"

This guy has a degree in geography.

Good to know that the heavy focus on geography education seems to be consistent world-wide.

Conehead Headstand

About a year ago, Dog got fixed, and subsequently had to wear the cone. She jumped from the bed, only to end up doing a conehead headstand. 

It. Was. AWESOME.

Anyways, I drew a little cartoon of how it went down:

Dogstaches

A distinguished pose with Dog looking off into the distance...

Same 'stache, just facing directly...

M25

Lovely Monday morning traffic on the M25...

Just Another Cuntish Park Job

This one at an airport parkhaus, where there were plenty of spaces all around. This douchenozzle decides to park all up in my ass. (Metaphorically, not literally.)

Moustachioed Baby

Baby is the stand-in for Dog while I am away.

*Prior approval (and participation) by the parents of Baby was obtained prior to baby shenanigans. 

**No babies were harmed during the baby shenanigans.

Look at this ASSHAT'S Parking Job

I hate people... So much...

Dog's New Stick

 Me:  "I see you, Dog. What did I say about sticks in the house?"

Dog:  "What are you talking about? It's the pattern on the rug you see, not an actual stick."

Me:  "Really? A 3-dimensional pattern, eh? This is a magical rug since you pooped on it, eh?"

Dog:  "Hey, hey, check it out. Do I have something in my teeth?" 

 Me:  "I hate you, so much, Dog.  So much..."

 Dog:  "Nonsense."

Dog:  "Check out this new trick I taught myself... First you see the stick... Then...

ABRACADABRA!!!!!"

 Dog:  "The stick magically disappears! Where's the stick? Haha, this rug is for so much more than just pooping on!"

Me:  "You're such a jerk, Dog."

Bread Corgi

Me:  "Hey, Dog, you have a little something on your face."

 Dog:  "I hate you, so much."

Me:  "You look awesome, Dog. The bread frame makes you look quite distinguished."

Dog:  "It does?"

Me:  "Absolutely."

Now Kiss...

Dog:  "Yes... Yes... Now kiss..."

Me:  "Dog, what are you doing with your stuffed animals?"

Dog:  "Nothing! Mind your own business! Look away!!"

Me:  "Perv..."

Dog:  "I learned it from watching you!"

Fatty Ass Dog

Dog:  "I am ninja dog..."

"...Blending in to my surroundings... 

Waiting for the moment to pounce upon my unsuspecting prey... 

Soon, Twitchly, you shall have the fury of Corgi upon you... 

Soon..."

 Me:  "Dog, are you stuck behind the telly trying to retrieve your ball? 

Your fat ass is going on a diet."

 Dog:  "I hate you so much, bitches. Now get me unstuck."

Dog's Stick

Me:  "What the fuck, Dog? You know I don't allow you to bring sticks inside."

Dog:  "But... But..."

 

 

Dog:  "But, I promise I will not splinter it into a million pieces on the rug..."

 

Dog:  "I just want to keep it as my friend. I won't make a mess of it. I swear.

See? I'm just... Sniffing it..."

Me:  "Bullshit, Dog."

Dog:  "Whoa! Did you see that? The stick just exploded into a million pieces!"

Me:  "I hate you so much, Dog."

 

More Stuff on Dog

It's been a while since I've stacked stuff on Dog.

Brown Triangles

Dog has made it clear to me that she does not like the brown triangles in her food.

She eats all the little "meaty" chunks around them.

She licks all the gravy off of them.

Leaving behind only... The brown triangles.

Dog:  "I thought I made it clear that I do not like the brown triangles."

Me:  "Yeah, Dog, I know."

Dog:  "The brown triangles are rubbish. 

How many times must I remind you that I do not like the brown triangles?"

Me:  "For a dog that eats poop, you are quite picky."

 Dog:  "Poop is delicious. Brown triangles are not."